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Oct. 1st, 2004 @ 12:20 pm Feedback
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Gary Jules - "Mad World"
Dear 19 year old me,

No. You don't love that guy. He doesn't love you either. He's married. He'll tell you after you spend 8 hours in the dark listening to jazz waiting for him to get online. This will be a turning point in your life. It'll lead to your long string of rebounds, each one more painful than the last. You'll discover that you can't really kill yourself with Sleepinal, no matter how much you take, and you'll really only blow about seventy bucks in the end. It's not your fault you don't like the sight of blood.

Thomas will never leave you alone. It's not a stalker thing, but in the end, it was your fault. As much as he cheated and slept around, you're the one who walked out when he was finally cleaning himself up and ready to commit and make the big leap and leave everything he knew for you and only you. You're going to have to live with that.

When Dad dies, you won't cry. You never will. You'll never get the chance to tell him, the fear will hold you back, no matter how much you want to say it. You'll write a poem on the way back from the funeral that you'll never be able to read aloud, but people will praise as genius.

You're going to consider Jack the best and worst thing that ever happened to you. You'll be right on all counts. When he walks, it'll nearly kill you, in a literal sense. You'll survive in the end, but in the meantime you'll wander into a relationship that will save and damn you at the same time.

Everything with Frank will be great in the beginning. It'll be romantic, sweet, warm, comforting, like something out of a trite poem you wrote in high school that you still can't forget having written. You'll never forget any stupid thing that you've done. It's how you keep humble and burn down your self-esteem. When Mike and Wynn move in you'll support it, even though before you had the feeling that it would lead to ruin. When everything falls apart and the situation wreaks havoc, you'll feel responsible for everything that will happen. In a way, you will be.

You won't swing the hammer when you should've. And this will haunt you for the rest of your life.

And here's the thing that you're going to have to accept, that you'll never want to. You *have* to go through all of this. Every moment. Every second. Because in this Hell you'll find Chris, and no other path will lead you to him. And when you emerge, scarred and beaten, walking into the light, it'll all be worth it. His presence, his embrace will be the panacea for every ache that's built up. In his arms, you'll be able to let go, and lean on someone you can trust. In his arms, in his voice, you'll finally learn what love really is, and you'll be able to hope again.

It'll be the toughest and most painful six years of your life, but you'll come out ok. See you on the other side.
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